Sunday, February 05, 2006


The Super Bowl is over. The Steelers beat the Seahawks 21-10, with the help of the referees. However, the Mailbox prefers to think of the real winners and losers of the Super Bowl: The advertisers. Here's a breakdown of how businesses spent $2.5 million per 30 seconds to sell you something:
Best waste of money: Diet Pepsi. Their series of ads featuring new careers for the soda cost much more than the air time. They paid for big time stars such as Jay Mohr, P. Diddy and Jackie Chan. And they were boring. Cadillac's Escalade on the modeling catwalk is a close second.
Biggest tease: Jessica Simpson's seductive dance for Pizza Hut doesn't come close. The biggest tease belongs to Banned from two Super Bowls, their ad created buzz, but fizzled when it just led people to its Web site.
Best comeback: MacGuyver, starring in a Mastercard "Priceless" ad. It was good to see the guy back in action, starting a truck with a turkey baster. Leonard Nimoy and Aleve had it wrapped up until Mac came along.
Best ad featuring animals: Bud Light and the football-playing horses dealing with a streaking, shorn sheep was funny enough to beat's "working with monkeys" ad. But, it was the inspirational Bud ad featuring generous Clydesdales helping a horse pull the traditional wagon that tugged the Mailbox's "Aww-strings." The Mailbox is still wondering why animals like Budweiser beer so much.
Best use of violence in an ad: Michelob Ultra gave a sweet taste of revenge when a football-playing girl paid back a tackling jackhole with a huge hit in a bar. This girl beat out a Sprint cell phone that doubled as a ninja throwing star.
Weirdest, most bizarre ad: Burger King's Whopperettes. Before the Super Bowl even started, we were treated to a strange tribute to movie musicals. Beautiful women, dressed up as Whopper ingredients, dance around and eventually are stacked on top of each other to make a burger. The King, who already scores high in weirdness, fires a cannon. Afterwards, the Mailbox and countless others across America scratch their heads, saying, "What was THAT?!"
Funniest ad: The FedEx cavemen. A guy tries to send a package by pterodactyl. Only, it gets eaten by a T-Rex. When the caveman gets back to the office, he is fired by his boss for not using FedEx. "But, FedEx hasn't even been invented yet!" he cries. "Not my problem," says the boss. Trust the Mailbox: It's funnier when you see it. A close second goes to Sierra Mist, with Kathy Griffin's fake metal detector.
Most sadistic ad: Ameriquest's doctors who kill a fly with defibrillator paddles. The Mailbox wondered if Tim Burton directed this morbid ad. But, Ameriquest did redeem themselves with a funnier ad featuring a woman on a plane who ends up in a compromising position.
Best ad featuring over-excessive products: Gillette Fusion. This razor has five blades and is battery operated? Who actually needs one of these? The Mailbox predicts the next razor will have six blades, a toothbrush, a massaging shower-head, Q-tip dispenser and PDA stylus.
Best tease of an upcoming ABC show: Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Lost." The Mailbox has faced its addiction to that show, and was actually suckered for a couple of seconds. When Locke holds up the piece of film showing Palmer, the Mailbox immediately thought, "Oh! My! Gosh! Palmer is on the island too!" The only reason this beats out athletes talking about "Desperate Housewives" is because the Mailbox is sick of hearing Shaq talk about anything.
Best "Eeewww" ad: H3. A giant lizard and a giant robot prepare to fight, only to fall in love and have a baby. What's the kid look like? An H3. Eeewww...

And, finally:

Worst ad: Emerald Nuts. What do samurais and midget druids have in common with Emerald Nuts? The Mailbox doesn't know either, even after watching this terrible ad.
Best ad: Girls' "True Colors," by Dove. As part of their campaign for real beauty, Dove showed pictures of girls facing down needless fears, such as being too fat or freckled. The Mailbox salutes any attempt to subvert the paradigm of feminime perfection, and Dove did an awesome job. Here's hoping guys--and most importantly, the ladies--got the message.

Uh, Dude...that'd be Robert PALMER being ripped off for Addicted to Lost. Robert PLANT was in Led Zeppelin with Jimmy Page, and recorded "Whole Lotta Love."

Robert Palmer died in 2003.

But still a nice commentary on the ads.
You're right about the gillette marketing hoax! I want a Quintippio with 15 extra large blades:
The Mailbox is an IDIOT. Plant? Where the hell did that come from? Duly changed.
Loved! this blog. And agree that the refs helped the Steelers win the game. Also agreed almost straight down the line with The Mailbox's opinion of the commercials.

Thought you might like to know that I know of at least one woman that "got" the message about the paradigm for feminine perfection.
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