Friday, July 04, 2008


You've heard the question. It's on everyone's lips, and it has nothing to do with the presidential race: "What's in Matt Blunt's e-mail that he's hiding, and that CNN is going to show?" I think I know. I don't buy rumors about a relationship with a girl (or a guy, according to a Post-Dispatch blog) who is not Matty Matt's wife. Rather, I think the Governor is embarrassed about his answer to the latest Internet meme.

Here's the sitch: You're in a mall when the zombies attack. You can have one weapon, one person, and one song blaring on the speakers. What are they? I'm dying to know what Blunt answered. While we await the results of this pressing matter of media relations, here's my answer.

WEAPON: The gravity gun from Half-Life 2. It only does two things: It pulls things to you or punts them away. That's it. No blood, no spiky things, no fiery splosions, no awesome laser-light show. How can this be the greatest weapon, fictional or otherwise? Dull, right? Yeah, right. Watch this baby in action.

Seriously: Think about all the things in a mall that you could chuck at zombies, from earring-and-bling shrapnel from Icing by Claire's to sofas and loveseats at Macy's. And we haven't even touched the supercharged version later in the game that can pick up and punt people. I think I'll get one and call her Vera.

PERSON: When originally discussing this with Scott, official boss of the Mailbox, I thought Milla Jovovich would be good, considering she has three movies worth of experience fighting zombies -- fierce ones, at that. Those zombies in Resident Evil were no Romero-tards. They were nasty vicious. However, Ms. Jovovich has the personality of a speed bump. Those screams of hers would grate on my nerves. So I got to thinking: With whom would the act of killing zombies be pleasurable, maybe even hilarious? The answer became clear:

Bruce freaking Campbell. Hell yeah. Come get some.

MUSIC: Instead of going for irony by thinking of a clever title or relevant lyric, I'm going for function with this one. Assuming that I need a gravity gun and Ash, it's safe to assume there's going to be a lot of freaking zombies. So much so that even the most awesome song would get old. I don't care how awesome a song "Killing In the Name Of" is, I'm gonna get sick of it after hearing it three times. So I select Dream Theater's "Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence," a 41-minute, epic prog-rock masterpiece divided into eight movements.
The song is about the different ways people go insane, but zombies aren't mentioned, for some reason.

(For DT fans: Has to be the version from Score. One bad bass note, one feedback screech and an orchestra with no monitors can't stop the power of that performance, and you know it, so quit your whining.)

Those are my choices. What's yours?

Much love from a Bucket Drummer
Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Subscribe to Posts [Atom]